Cry for help

This is my cry for help.

I post it here because I know none of my family will read it.

I don’t want them to know what is happening because I don’t think they would understand. I’ve heard it many times. Brush it off, grow up, you’re only doing it for attention.

I don’t want the attention.

I’m on the verge of tears but I don’t want to call anyone because I’m afraid of appearing weak or fragile.

I don’t want to be any of those things.

But I’m afraid of the person I’m becoming. I’m starting not to care. I’m starting to look at the world more negatively. I’m starting not feel numb.

I don’t want to be any of those things.

I have my amazing husband but I’m afraid if I bring these problems to him too much, he’ll get frustrated enough to leave. I don’t think I could survive that but I don’t want to break that easily. I never want to be that person. But I know I need him and I never want to lose him.

I find even sadder that I don’t trust him to stick around even though that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.

I don’t want to be emotionally dependent on him, either. My mental health should not solely be based on him. And I would never place that burden on him.

I don’t want to be a cynic, I don’t want to give up, I don’t think I ever would but I know there is something wrong and I don’t know how to fix it.

What am I doing so wrong in my life that I feel I have no one. If I was living my life right, wouldn’t I not have this problem?